looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
