I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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