I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
