Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
