apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
