i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
