she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
