Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
