Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
soo... how was my night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize