did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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