i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
COCAINE IS GR8
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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