headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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