My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
