i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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