she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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