My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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