My brain says no but my pants say off.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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