I should be sponsored by Trojan
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
