I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
