I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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