I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
