she takes plan B like it's going out of style
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize