He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
