the condom got lost in my hair
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
