well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
