You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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