it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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