Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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