mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize