my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
