I only kidnapped one of them. chill
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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