She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You need Xanax blowdarts
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
