I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize