So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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