You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
