the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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