He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize