im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
