Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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