Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
