for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
