She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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