mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
