why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
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