from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize