I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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