Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
