guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
