I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
