I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
