New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
