I haven't been this sober since birth.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize