saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
