wakey wakey hands off snakey
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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