he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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