wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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