We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
