I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
