I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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