I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
