a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
