Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
