You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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